The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
