She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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