so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
