you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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