You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I licked your asshole in confidence.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
