so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
