Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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