so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
