dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
