I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
