I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Can I color on your dick again?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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