On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
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