You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
