Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
