my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
