I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
