Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
