Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
