Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
