She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
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