Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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