they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
