Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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