Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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