Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
