The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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