i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
