That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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