Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
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