She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
