The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
