new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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