then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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