I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
