just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
