Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
