i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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