How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
