it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
