Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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