oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Everything about him screamed your future.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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