are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
