My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
