I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
