I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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