I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
