the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
