if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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