Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Randomize
