Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
